A lot of people that read this already know that anytime I go to a big city during the summer I’ll visit a ballpark and see a game if I haven’t been there before. I’d been to an A’s game in Oakland last time I was in San Francisco, which meant that this time I’d be going to see the Giants. Feeling neglected, the A’s decided they wanted to play for me while I was there so they scheduled their game against the Giants for that weekend. Both Bay Area teams in one night. Talk about efficiency… Anyway, Friday night I loaded up a notebook, pen, and my best steriods jokes and headed out to AT&T Park with the wife.
Before we get to the running diary of the trip to AT&T Park to see the A’s vs. Giant’s game on Friday night, a few random stories / notes / and general housekeeping on the weekend in San Francisco…
- Smells come at you rapid fire in San Francisco. Delicious smells of freshly baked sourdough bread or gourmet food are commonly followed two seconds later by the smell of dead fish.
- The winner for most creative homeless man goes to a guy holding branches to make a bush-like facade on the edge of a sidewalk. As an unsuspecting person or people walks by, he drops the fake shrubbery, jumps out and scares them. Of course, after a while a crowd gathers waiting to see the next victim. When the crowd gets large enough, he asks them for money in exchange for the entertainment. The trick, in case you ever witness this, is to stand far enough away that once he’s done and turns to ask for money, you’re out of “I feel obligated to give this guy money now” range, and you can walk away and spend your money on an ice cream treat.
Another exciting street performer incident was later that day — as we were walking by Pier 39 again, we saw the silver painted man, but he wasn’t doing his act. I’m not sure what sparked it, I think some drunk guy went and stood next to him, but he ended up walking away from his pedastal, yelling at the guy, and threatening to fight him. I’m not sure how it ended up, because it was all as we were passing by, but seeing the silver man screaming, “I ain’t even playing, *******, I will beat the **** outa yo’ ***!” was way more fun than watching him act like a robot.
- The final count for “I want people to know I’m gay” people was 11, with eight of those coming in the first day. We saw a rapid decline once the city became packed with tourists on Friday and Saturday.
- The bill for Denny’s Friday morning was $30.89. Any guess what we ordered? If you said scrambled eggs with bacon, an omlette, and two glasses of water you’d be correct. The breakfast also included these noteworthy exchanges:
During breakfast:
Shane: I could be a great chef with my own restaurant.
Cassandra: What would you serve?
Shane: Potatoes.
Cassandra: That’s all? I wouldn’t eat there. I have to have meat.
Shane: I would make the potatoes taste like meat.
Cassandra: How do you make potatoes taste like meat?
Shane: I’m that great of a chef.
Cassandra: If you’re so great of a chef, then why don’t you ever cook at home.
Shane: We don’t have any potatoes.Walking out after breakfast:
Shane: My butt is a little sore.
Cassandra: Why? From walking so much yesterday?
Shane: No, because Denny’s just raped me. - One of the more entertaining idiot tourist stories of the weekend:
Last time I was in San Francisco with my Dad was about ten years ago. It was during the summer while I was out of school and he was working somewhere downtown. We were staying in a Hyatt at Embarcadero, which those of you who don’t know the area can read as “fancy hotel downtown.”
After walking around a while and wanting a place to hang out and drink a Slurpee, Cassandra and I hung out at that Hyatt for about an hour one afternoon, mostly talking about how screwed her current company is now that a new company just called to give her a job.
After we used the restroom that said “Hotel Guests Only” (I was a guest ten years ago), we walked out of the front door amongst a mass of idiots and expensive cars. As we neared the street, the last in a line of taxis pulled away as a black Lexus pulled in behind it, presumably waiting for someone to come out of the hotel and get in.
A group of three or four women was standing nearby, trying to figure out how to get to wherever, when they finally settled on taking a cab. Apparently new to the whole taxi system, one of them wondered aloud how they would go about getting a taxi. She looks over to approximately where Cassandra and I were about to walk across the street, sees the sign that says “Taxis,” turns to her friends and says, “Is this a taxi?” as she opens the door and gets about halfway into the black Lexus before discovering that a black Lexus is not, in fact, a taxi.
- A big first for me on the flight back from San Francisco was actually seeing a fat person with two plane tickets because they couldn’t fit into a single seat. He even made a joke about it to the ticket-taker as he was getting on the plane. I refrained from asking whether he got double the snacks and drinks.
- Traveler’s tip: If you have two and a half hours to kill in the airport before a redeye flight back to Boston, it’s worth spending the $9.99 on internet access. Especially true if you use that internet access to win $75 playing poker online. In addition, during this time, since you were two and a half hours early, you will have probably staked out the coveted seat-next-to-the-power-outlet that everyone with a laptop tries to get. What you may not account for, however, is the woman who will come over to the power outlet as you’re sitting there, plop down on the floor next to the wall, tell you “My battery is dead” and then unplug your laptop from the outlet so that she can plug hers in, all with you speechless in disbelief.
- Chinatown is stinky.
- Waiting in line to get on the boat to Alcatraz we noticed that they route everyone getting off of the boat to the right, through a rat-maze type path, and through their stupid gift shop on the pier to get back to the street. Of course, there’s a direct line from the dock to the street. The only real physical structure keeping people from just walking to the street is a guy standing there saying “Please exit to your right” over and over. Cassandra and I decided immediately that we weren’t going through their stupid gift shop.
Fast forward to us coming back from Alcatraz. The plan was to just walk around the gate and to the street. If anyone stopped us, the line was going to be “We’re meeting our parents and they told us not to leave their sight once we got off the boat.” We thought the idea of 24 year olds lost without their parents would stun them enough that they wouldn’t be able to argue.
As it turned out, though, I never got a chance to use that line, because they made it too easy. They offer a 2-block shuttle to pier 39 (we were on pier 33, and they’re odd numbers, so you literally had to walk three piers – maybe 200 yards) for the bargain price of $2… If you wanted to choose that option, you had to bend over, and walk to the left as you got off the ship. With only the one guy standing in front of us, I only needed three steps away from him, and the shuttle gave me those three steps. It was simple – walk three steps to the left, enough to convince him I was headed towards the shuttle, then turn and just walk away to the street… All of this I executed to perfection, but as an added bonus, once he realized what I was doing, we got to have this argument as I kept walking away.
Him: Sir, come back over here and exit to the right!
Me: No!
Him: Sir, do NOT exit that way. Where are you going?
Me: I’m leaving.
Him: You’re are NOT allowed to exit that way. You MUST exit to the right.(Realize that at this point there is nothing except sidewalk between me and the street. For all intents and purposes I’m already off the pier. At this point I stop and turn around because the guy yelling at me amuses me.)
Me: No.
Him: Sir! I’m warning you…
Me: Of what? What are you going to do?
Him: Sir. Listen to me. Come back here IMMEDIATELY! I’m serious.
Me: No, Really… What are you going to do?
Him: Come back here… or else…
Me: I don’t think so.At that point we walked away, and I think he started crying. The moral of the story: If you’re one guy trying to herd 1,000 people one direction, and your barrier system consists of a wide open paved parking lot, three orange cones, and lots of yelling, there is a good chance that at least two of them will realize that you are really powerless to do anything about it should they decide not to go to your stupid gift shop. Yelling probably won’t help anything.
- The Holiday Inn bellman will stare at you with a dirty look if you don’t tip him for holding your bags for a day, even if you only have three singles and it costs three singles to get to the airport.
All right — on to the running diary:
6:00 – An hour and fifteen minutes before game time, and about time to leave the hotel room. It’s going to be tough to dig Cassandra out of that giant bag of Ghiradelli Chocolate she’s currently burried in. We probably should have made that the last stop in San Francisco so that she would be able to fit into an airplane seat on the way back to Boston.
6:05 – Boarding the F-Train at Fisherman’s Wharf. The driver is the same guy that we encountered last night on our trip to Fog City Diner. All I need to say to describe him is that apparently they let you drive a streetcar drunk because they figure you can’t swirve off the tracks and hit trees or buildings. “Put the money in the machine” he mutters to me. Thanks, buddy. I was wondering about that.
6:10 – The driver’s first outburst, at our first stop, over the loudspeaker on a train packed like sardines: “Get on or get off! Stop wasting everyone’s time.” Yeah, because I’m sure you have a date with a bottle you’re running a little late for.
6:12 – Another one, after somebody pulled the “stop requested” cord and nobody got off: “Look everybody, here’s how this works. If you want to get off the train, pull the cord. If not, leave it alone. It’s not a toy.” Screw that, I paid $1.50 to rub up against some sweaty old lady. Pull the cord, Cassandra.
6:25 – As the streetcar turns the corner to go up Market street, a guy on a skateboard starts to make his way across the road behind the train. For those of you who haven’t figured out the whole “streetcar” thing, the tracks for the train are in the street. It is on said tracks that the skateboard’s wheel stops the skateboard completely, sending the skateboarder face first into the street about four feet in front of the skateboard. I promise you, your visualization, no matter how great you can imagine, is nothing close to as funny actually witnessing this guy face planting into a busy roadway.
In a stunning twist of events not even I would have added for comedic effect if I were making it up, a silver Mercedes appears around a corner, like Jaws right after some helpless lady falls off of a boat. As the skateboarder tries to quickly scamper back to the board to pick it up before anyone notices that he just face-planted, he looks over to see that the car, now about 30 feet away, isn’t slowing down and he probably shouldn’t crawl in front of it. Just as he stops himself… CRUNCH! The Mercedes runs over his skateboard, breaking it in half as the driver stops for a second, laughs, and carries on with her cell phone conversation as she drives away, leaving Mr. Skateboard walking off holding the two halves of the skateboard. Just an all around thrilling experience for me. I am about 95% sure the guy could hear the roar of laughter coming from the streetcar passengers. Even better.
6:26 – Off the F-Train to transfer to the Subway. Somebody asks the driver for a transfer. His response, “See that thing in your hand that says transfer? Whatta ya suppose that’s for?”
6:28 – Down the stairs and onto the subway train marked “Ballpark Express.” Wonder where this goes… I should take this moment to point out that we’ve used the crap out of public transportation this weekend, and with San Francisco’s “Ride as much as you want for the next three or four hours after you pay” system, we haven’t really spent much money. Take a lesson, Boston. Just letting gay people get married isn’t good enough anymore. Now you have to get them to their boy-boy and girl-girl dates cheaper.
6:32 – People who haven’t been to this city may think “Wow, that’s a lot of gay jokes and you are stereotyping San Francisco pretty heavily.” Look, I wouldn’t do it if it weren’t for signs like this one on the train… “When did smoking become a part of us?” with a cigarette as one of the colors in the rainbow flag, and then another note that smoking isn’t a part of gay pride.
6:38 – The train pulls up to the ballpark (it somehow converted from a subway to a train). I mean steps away. I’ve walked further from the bed to the bathroom in a big hotel room to pee.
6:39 – Entering the entrance under the large “AT&T Park” sign. This seems like a good time to recap the ballpark’s name history. Three years old, three names. PacBell Park, SBC Park, and now AT&T Park. We have some committment issues here.
6:40 – There’s a souvenir stand right as I enter the ballpark. Normally that would be irritating, but I always buy a pin for a new ballpark, so yay. I have two choices. A 2007 All-Star Game pin, or a Barry Bonds pin. Ironically, the Bonds pin is three times as big as it was four or five years ago, but since it breaks easily, I opt for the All-Star pin after confirming with the salesman that they will have the same selection throughout the ballpark. Eight dollars later, I’ve added to my ballpark collection.
6:41 – As we start a lap around the ballpark to get a feel for the place we pass a fan shop with about a dozen pins displayed in the window. Start writing tomorrow’s headline: “Souvenir Stand Worker Severely Beaten After Being A Lying Piece Of Crap.”
6:45 – Stop for a minute to check out their outfield kid-ballpark (fully equipped with a mini-jumbotron) and to heckle a kid trying to hit a wiffle ball.
7:05 – Finish the lap around the ballpark and start to make our way up to our third deck, left field, furthest you can possibly get from home plate seats.
7:15 – At our seats as the first pitch is thrown. The Giants’ PA announcer lets everyone know that the first pitch was at 7:15. Seems like pointless talking just for the heck of it, right? I should also point out that the Giants PA announcer is female, leading to your choice of one of two jokes. A) As always, count on something dumb to be said when a woman is speaking. B) In a meeting, Giants’ execs said “Well, we have a woman announcer. I guess we should find more ways for her to talk.”
7:30 – Cassandra notices that as the clouds move out over the water they disappear. Can anyone explain that, or should I just write it off as a neat magic trick?
7:33 – Barry Bonds first AB. There’s a mix of cheers from the Giants fans and boos from the Oakland fans. He grounds out to the pitcher. That was about 480 feet short of making me happy. For as many drugs as he has taken over the last five years, I deserve more than a 60 foot ground out.
7:35 – End of the 2nd inning, 20 minutes… Which is great because it’s 50 degrees, windy, and I didn’t bring a jacket to San Francisco. I can already tell I’m gonna be friggin cold.
7:36 – Cassandra already has her hood wrapped tightly around her head like the unibomber.
7:38 – Maybe it’s just because San Francisco is playing Oakland, but people seem to care about this game, and the place is pretty full. As a Rangers fan, I was wondering what that was like.
7:43 – A guy in front of us (who showed up 15 minutes late) yells, “Open your eyes” (from 700 feet away) at an umpire after he disagrees with a call. He’d better get some alcohol in him quickly to boost the creativity a notch.
7:46 – One underrated thing about this cold weather: I just saw a fat lady put on another shirt.
7:50 – Nick Swisher swings so hard at a pitch he falls down in the box. Somewhere an eight-year old kid looked at his dad and said, “Remember when I used to do that playing tee-ball?”
7:54 – Not wanting to be outdone by Swisher, Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum hits the backstop on the fly with a fastball, putting a hole in an advertisement.
7:55 – If you were wondering what $30 will get you for tickets at AT&T Park, here it is: A view deck seat in left field, a great view of the upper right hand corner of the jumbotron in centerfield, and a chance to ask the person next to you, “Think that was a homerun?” anytime a ball is hit to left field.
7:58 – Mr. Original in front of us just responded, “I like it. I approve.” to someone who yelled “Beat the A’s.” Actually, I’m going to go buy him a few beers so I can make it through the rest of the game.
8:01 – I know the A’s are in the AL, but they should know not to walk a pitcher who is trying to bunt. I mean, he’s not even trying to hit the ball. Bases loaded, nobody out, Oakland up 2-0 in the bottom of the 3rd.
8:03 – A fielder’s choice drives in a run, which people would have enjoyed much more if a gust of cold wind hadn’t just stopped 35,000 beating hearts.
8:07 – Bases loaded (and syringes loaded) for Bonds. A chant of “Barry” breaks out and a Giants fan just yelled, “Make those steriods work for us, Barry.” Dead serious. You can’t make this up.
8:08 – Bonds grounds out to second and limps about 1/4 of the way to first base before getting thrown out. Nice hustle.
8:14 – One hour to get through three and a half. Not bad, but Cassandra just tested the waters of buying a $5 hot chocolate. We’ll see how this one plays out.
8:30 – Between not seeing anything, the guy in front of us who can’t come up with a creative line to save his life, and the brutal winds, we decide to move down to the lower level and find some better seats.
8:35 – Found a relatively safe, unoccupied row to sit in down the third baseline. I’ll also go ahead and add “Ushers that don’t ask to see your ticket” to the list of cool things about this ballpark.
8:38 – The first thing we learn in our new seats is that lesbians make loud baseball fans. I would have liked to see them work that fact into the “fact or fiction” game they just played on the jumbotron between innings.
8:41 – For the second time tonight, I see someone who put ketchup on their garlic fries. Cassandra notes that it’s a lot like my dad having an HDTV for so long, but never actually watching things in HD the whole time.
8:45 – The Giants, I guess, have a sponsorship with MLB07 (a video game). They show player clips when a guy comes up to bat of him as a video game. Randy Winn just came up and even though he’s a career .285 hitter, I swear his video game self looks like he’s hitting .290.
8:47 – End of the 5th. During the inning break, they’re showing clips of the Giants selecting players in the first round of the draft (they had 3 picks). There’s a palpable energy around the stadium as everyone thinks, “Wow, I can’t wait to see these guys play in five or six years.”
8:51 – For the tenth time, I tell Cassandra how crappy the design of the Giants scoreboards is, and how much better the ones I did and could make are. For the tenth time, she rolls her eyes and says, “I know, Shane.”
8:55 – Really cool between innings feature: Two guys played playstation baseball on the jumbotron. One plate appearance, batter vs. pitcher, winner gets a prize. That’s a definite idea to steal for Celtics games this season.
9:00 – Bonds fouls a ball into the upper deck. Without steriods that ball would have only made the 2nd deck.
9:01 – After walking, Bonds “runs” to second on a single by Durham. That was almost worth the price of the ticket. Oh wait, the ticket was how much? Nevermind.
9:04 – Sweeny walks to load the bases for San Fran. The non-frozen people are pretty excited. Time for a visit to the mound. Bonds is at third and praying for a single so he doesn’t have to run hard.
9:05 – Barry can’t score on a 300 foot fly ball to left field. Remember when he used to steal 40 bases consistently?
9:16 – The guy in front of us just came back with a big plate of sesame chicken with rice and two egg rolls. Cassandra is staring at it like a dog looking at a treat. She hasn’t looked away in four minutes.
9:17 – Cassandra: “Do you think he would give me an egg roll if I asked nicely?”
9:20 – The 7th inning stretch included a large orange Hershey’s kiss throwing stuff at fans and Cassandra reaching for that egg roll in front of us.
9:23 – One of the advantages to sitting lower: Seeing a foul ball hit into the seat in front of you, hit a girl’s mom in the shoulder, bounce off and hit the girl, and the girl scared and crying for the next ten minutes. On a related note, I just about got injured because I was paying just enough attention to the game to see the foul ball, decide “That’s not coming this far” then look away until the ball hit the seat in front of me. Had it not been for the seat, I would have been hit in the kneecap.
9:25 – Ryan Klesko triples to right to make it 3-2 and prompting the guy on my right to jump on my foot.
9:26 – Bonds singles to tie the game at three. The guy on my right decides to jump on my foot again.
9:27 – Let’s review quickly… It’s 48 degrees, there’s 48 mph of wind, and the Rangers are 48 games back of first place, making this game meaningless for me, and finally, I’d like to poop in the hotel room bathroom rather than at the stadium, and I don’t have a ton of time. The decision has been made to leave after the inning.
9:28 – Barry Bonds just stole 2nd base and 30,000 people collectively made a confused face and said some variation of, “What the…” As soon as he reached second, he bent over and grabbed his knee. Let the record show that I’m officially rooting for a career ending injury the AB after Bonds hits number 754.
9:31 – Inning over, and not a minute too soon. For good measure, as we leave our row, Cassandra whacks the girl in front of us, who had already been hit by a foul ball an inning earlier, with her purse, causing the girl to start crying again.
9:35 – Out of the stadium, waiting for the train, thinking that this may have been my favorite stadium in the country. I turn to Cassandra “Was it worth it?” I ask. She looks off into space and says, “Was what worth it?” Exactly.